Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
