My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
