I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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