Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
