My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
