Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Let's get the cat blown out
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.