Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I will die if light touches me.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"