I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.