I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done