I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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