I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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