he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
