Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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