***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
