I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
