Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
