i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
