Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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