I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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