I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
