The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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