Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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