you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
this will be a night to untag.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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