I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
