I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
