Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
