Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
