can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
