i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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