I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
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I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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