There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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