my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
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Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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