Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
