Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
