I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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