Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
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I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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