I've blown a few things in my day
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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