I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
