some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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