I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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