I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
