I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
