found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
