So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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