Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I deserve this hangover.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
