i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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