That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
