I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
