Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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