So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry about my life...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
