I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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