Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
