everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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