dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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