So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you inspire me to be a worse person
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
