grandma shit on top of the toilet
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He passed out mid-signature
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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