i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
